Face-down in the Mud of Truth

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same." –Akeelah and the Bee

The only person I’ve ever told this to was a priest in confession, but I think I’m ready to share the story. I struggled with self-image almost my whole life. I could count on one hand how many times I actually felt beautiful. I would look in the mirror and be disgusted with what I saw. It got to the point where I couldn’t eat anything without thinking that’s how I got to be the way I was, and I was not okay with that. I started getting rid of what I ate, sometimes purging even after eating something as simple as a cracker. I usually didn’t eat alone so I couldn’t get away with it often enough to actually make a difference in my appearance, but it didn’t matter because doing it just seemed to feel better. Some other girls I knew were being treated for eating disorders after getting caught doing it or admitting they had a problem, but I knew my secret was safe because I wasn’t skinny like them so no one suspected anything. One day about a couple of months ago, I woke up and saw myself in the mirror and something inside of me just broke. I went around my house, flipping down all the picture frames that exposed me for what I was. I took all the pictures off the fridge, pictures of a girl who didn’t have the right to smile when she looked like that. I went back to my room, collapsed onto the floor, and sobbed so hard it felt like my heart would burst. But I looked up and saw a poster that has been on my wall for years. It was John Paul II holding a monstrance. I looked up at that picture of the Eucharist and something told me that was the reflection I should be looking at. He said, “Do you want to see your reflection? Do you want to know your worth? Do not look in the mirror, Sarah. Look at me. Your true reflection is not in a piece of glass, but you yourself are a reflection of Me, for you are made in My image. Do you know what that means? The Eucharist is a measure of your worth. You are worthy because you are made by Me. You are so valuable that you were bought at a price unimaginable at the cross.” God has knocked me off my feet quite a few times in my life, but that moment more than ever I was face-down in truth. Then became the bigger challenge… knowing what to do with that truth. My prayer became: “Lord, help me reflect your beauty within me. Piety, Compassion, Purity… these are the things I want to make me beautiful.” I somehow figured out that what makes me feel most worthy is trying to help others feel how I want to feel. Audrey Hepburn had an amazing definition of beauty: “For attractive lips, speak words of kindness. For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people. For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry. For beautiful hair, Let a child run his fingers through it. For poise, walk with the knowledge that you’ll never walk alone.” We listen to the lies of the world. They tell us we’re not attractive enough, not smart enough, not funny enough, not worthy. If you think you’re not worthy-- that the world can not use what you have to offer-- God would love to prove you wrong. How can we think any flaws can keep us from being called by God to do His work? God made us. Our weaknesses are not mistakes, but opportunities. David was a boy with a slingshot who took down a giant. Mary was an unwed teenager who bore the Son of God. Moses was a man with a bad stutter who was sent to speak with the pharaoh. We can accomplish these things through grace. We ARE worthy of love and the proof of that is in the crucifixion. Our image is nothing less than amazing because we are a reflection of God Himself.

Lord, guide me so that my actions will be an accurate reflection of You. Remind me that I am a living portrait of You, O Lord.

Desires and Discernment

I had more than my fair share of vocation talks growing up in a Catholic school. My freshman year in high school I was utterly convinced that I was called to religious life… for about a month. Then I went through a phase. It was my I’m-going-to-completely-reject-everything-about-Catholicism-and-start-going-to-the-Buddhist-temple-just-to-tick-my-ignorant-religion-teacher-off-but-I-just-need-time-to-find-my-own-answers phase. It was the most intense year and a half of my life. But if it were not for that ignorant religion teacher to get me questioning and my stubborn persistence, I don’t think I would be anywhere near where I am today. That’s another story, though. I came out of this phase, rediscovered my faith, and went right back to my inner debate on vocations. It was my senior year and I was getting a lot of outside pressure both for and against religious life. My parents weren’t fooled—I “simply wasn’t called”. The Sister at my school actually bought me a plane ticket to one of the discernment retreats in Michigan. (It was Mardi Gras weekend, and I was in Adoration while my friends were leaving intoxicated messages on my phone with the sounds of New Orleans in the background.) Sister was devastated to hear that I would not be joining a convent immediately upon graduation. If anyone knows how to make a girl feel guilty more than a mom, it’s a Sister. But guilt is not of God and not a valid reason to make a decision. The point of all this (yes, there is a point) is that my faith was still immature, and I was still thinking in extremes. I thought the only way to live a holy life pleasing to God was by joining a convent.

I went to college but continued to go on discernment retreats whenever I could get away. One in particular, with the Sisters of Charity of the Incarnate Word in Houston, was a huge turning point. Leave it to the most adorable elderly sisters with strong Irish accents to leave you feeling like you just got hit in the brain with a shovel. We talked about discerning the will of God, paying special attention to the reflections of St. Ignatius.

First, the TRUE and foremost vocation for all of us is a call to holiness. Secondly, God's will is in alignment with our deepest desires because He planted those seeds Himself. Finding your vocation means first separating your deepest desires from the means by which we obtain them. For example, when I was young I thought it was my deepest desire to have a bike and a puppy. Actually, my deepest desires were for the freedom and independence that could be accomplished by the material means of riding a bike around the neighborhood and the companionship that could be materialized by means of a puppy. On retreat I learned that three of my deepest desires are having a faith community, having the opportunity to learn more about my faith daily, and growing in love for Christ. Those deepest desires could be achieved by religious life, but they could be achieved in married or single life as well. A vocation is just the best road to take that will get you where you need to be. The other roads may get there, too, but there is always a best one. The first step in discerning God's desire for our lives is discovering our own deepest desires that He planted within us. What keeps us from realizing our desires? Fear, but fear is useless. A friend once told me, "I am scared that God might be calling me to become a nun." I told her that if by "scared" she meant "anxious because she doesn't feel worthy or ready", then God is probably laughing with her. "God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called." But if she was genuinely scared and not at peace about it, then He probably wasn't calling her anyway.

How do we know when God's will aligns with our deepest desires? I recently found myself in prayer about someone who has been on my heart for years and we finally got the chance to develop a friendship. I was constantly wondering if it was pleasing to God, and constantly asking Him to take the opportunity away if it wasn't something that would lead both of us to closer to Him. I began writing a list of all the qualities that this person was bringing into my life. Love, joy, peace, patience, etc. I set the list aside that night and went to sleep. The next day, I was at a Bible study and had overheard a comment about Galatians 5. Hmm... Galatians 5, I thought, I wonder what she is talking about. I went home and looked it up. Galatians 5:22: The fruits of the Spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. The very list of fruits of the Spirit was God's version of the list I had just made the night before. That's how we can know anything in our life is of God. If it brings us peace, increases our faith and love for Him, and makes us a holier person then it is His will for us.

*insert creative title here*

What am I doing making a blog? I've been a journaler since I could write, but I always wondered why anyone would want to go public with their private reflections. I've been reading one blog for a while now, the conversion story and faith journey of a young woman named Jen. I think her story is pretty powerful, and the fact that it is out there for everyone to see amplifies its significance. I suppose I'm here to share my story, but more to gather information. The Internet is a useful tool, it seems, if not a complete distraction from the things I should be doing. My conscience and overall sense of better judgment would be less offended by an hour spent sharing reflections on my faith than an hour of folly on Facebook. In a sense, I am here to get some reflections on my reflections. Sharing a thought is usually a much more educational experience than just having one. I'm hoping for some "Yes, and..." or "No, but..." kind of comments. Help me look at the same thing from a different angle.

First thoughts:
Different situations I’ve been in the last couple of weeks seem to have a common theme. Either misguided passion or a lack of passion has been very evident lately. People are really passionate about LSU football. I have to admit that the band’s pre-game show gets me excited if nothing else. My boss thinks I don't appreciate football because I don't understand the game. This is not the case, because I did a fairly good job explaining it to my Irish cousins. My friends think I don't appreciate it because I just transferred this semester from a school that "LSU was born to hate". That makes more sense, but I wasn't a big fan of my former school, and I grew up in Baton Rouge so LSU has always been my home team. I have a theory: I think I might be subconsciously apathetic about LSU football to balance out how passionate others are. If only people had half the passion that they have for LSU football for immigration reform, abortion, the death penalty, the upcoming elections, the genocide in Darfur… something that matters more than whether or not their favorite team gets to play in the national championship. There are more than 92,000 people in the stadium on a game night. I would bet that most of them can name their 3 favorite players and what their strengths are. How many of those 92,000 can name 3 people running for governor next month and why they would or would not vote for each one? I’m not judging anyone. I know the team works hard and I respect them for that. I'm not condemning the hardcore fans because there is nothing wrong with being passionate about football. But sometimes we make choices so the cost of something is more than the value of it. There is a huge campus-wide debate about the student section’s crude behavior toward Spurrier and his team at the game last weekend. (An opposing team with a mascot like "gamecocks" and a stadium full of drunk college students only leaves so much room for creativity.) Some people argue that the student section shouldn’t have to censor themselves because of freedom of speech and the tradition of intimidation. Some believe their behavior was tactless and disgusting. I admire their passion, however misguided it may be. I wish I had that much passion about my faith. I wish I was as open about how much I love God as they are about how much they hate Spurrier. I wish I wanted heaven as badly as they want the national championship.

That was the confusing theme of the Gospel (Luke 16) this weekend. Father Than did an amazing job explaining it. Jesus was using a dishonest man as a good example because of his passion and ambition, not his dishonesty. How appropriate that next weekend’s readings are a follow-up warning against laziness. They are basically saying “Rise up!” We are all called to holiness… not just goodness, holiness. We are ALL called... not just the religious, all of us. Mediocrity is no better than apathy, and apathy is deadly. I’m not preaching, because I needed to be reminded of this more than anyone. Our faith is not meant to gather dust on the shelf but rather to be put into action daily. So I’m passing it on and hoping I will be held accountable to it. No more mediocrity! Mark Hart said, “There is no reason for any of us to become complacent. The gospel of Jesus Christ demands more, and it is just too beautiful not to give God our all.”