Face-down in the Mud of Truth

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same." –Akeelah and the Bee

The only person I’ve ever told this to was a priest in confession, but I think I’m ready to share the story. I struggled with self-image almost my whole life. I could count on one hand how many times I actually felt beautiful. I would look in the mirror and be disgusted with what I saw. It got to the point where I couldn’t eat anything without thinking that’s how I got to be the way I was, and I was not okay with that. I started getting rid of what I ate, sometimes purging even after eating something as simple as a cracker. I usually didn’t eat alone so I couldn’t get away with it often enough to actually make a difference in my appearance, but it didn’t matter because doing it just seemed to feel better. Some other girls I knew were being treated for eating disorders after getting caught doing it or admitting they had a problem, but I knew my secret was safe because I wasn’t skinny like them so no one suspected anything. One day about a couple of months ago, I woke up and saw myself in the mirror and something inside of me just broke. I went around my house, flipping down all the picture frames that exposed me for what I was. I took all the pictures off the fridge, pictures of a girl who didn’t have the right to smile when she looked like that. I went back to my room, collapsed onto the floor, and sobbed so hard it felt like my heart would burst. But I looked up and saw a poster that has been on my wall for years. It was John Paul II holding a monstrance. I looked up at that picture of the Eucharist and something told me that was the reflection I should be looking at. He said, “Do you want to see your reflection? Do you want to know your worth? Do not look in the mirror, Sarah. Look at me. Your true reflection is not in a piece of glass, but you yourself are a reflection of Me, for you are made in My image. Do you know what that means? The Eucharist is a measure of your worth. You are worthy because you are made by Me. You are so valuable that you were bought at a price unimaginable at the cross.” God has knocked me off my feet quite a few times in my life, but that moment more than ever I was face-down in truth. Then became the bigger challenge… knowing what to do with that truth. My prayer became: “Lord, help me reflect your beauty within me. Piety, Compassion, Purity… these are the things I want to make me beautiful.” I somehow figured out that what makes me feel most worthy is trying to help others feel how I want to feel. Audrey Hepburn had an amazing definition of beauty: “For attractive lips, speak words of kindness. For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people. For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry. For beautiful hair, Let a child run his fingers through it. For poise, walk with the knowledge that you’ll never walk alone.” We listen to the lies of the world. They tell us we’re not attractive enough, not smart enough, not funny enough, not worthy. If you think you’re not worthy-- that the world can not use what you have to offer-- God would love to prove you wrong. How can we think any flaws can keep us from being called by God to do His work? God made us. Our weaknesses are not mistakes, but opportunities. David was a boy with a slingshot who took down a giant. Mary was an unwed teenager who bore the Son of God. Moses was a man with a bad stutter who was sent to speak with the pharaoh. We can accomplish these things through grace. We ARE worthy of love and the proof of that is in the crucifixion. Our image is nothing less than amazing because we are a reflection of God Himself.

Lord, guide me so that my actions will be an accurate reflection of You. Remind me that I am a living portrait of You, O Lord.