Desires and Discernment

I had more than my fair share of vocation talks growing up in a Catholic school. My freshman year in high school I was utterly convinced that I was called to religious life… for about a month. Then I went through a phase. It was my I’m-going-to-completely-reject-everything-about-Catholicism-and-start-going-to-the-Buddhist-temple-just-to-tick-my-ignorant-religion-teacher-off-but-I-just-need-time-to-find-my-own-answers phase. It was the most intense year and a half of my life. But if it were not for that ignorant religion teacher to get me questioning and my stubborn persistence, I don’t think I would be anywhere near where I am today. That’s another story, though. I came out of this phase, rediscovered my faith, and went right back to my inner debate on vocations. It was my senior year and I was getting a lot of outside pressure both for and against religious life. My parents weren’t fooled—I “simply wasn’t called”. The Sister at my school actually bought me a plane ticket to one of the discernment retreats in Michigan. (It was Mardi Gras weekend, and I was in Adoration while my friends were leaving intoxicated messages on my phone with the sounds of New Orleans in the background.) Sister was devastated to hear that I would not be joining a convent immediately upon graduation. If anyone knows how to make a girl feel guilty more than a mom, it’s a Sister. But guilt is not of God and not a valid reason to make a decision. The point of all this (yes, there is a point) is that my faith was still immature, and I was still thinking in extremes. I thought the only way to live a holy life pleasing to God was by joining a convent.

I went to college but continued to go on discernment retreats whenever I could get away. One in particular, with the Sisters of Charity of the Incarnate Word in Houston, was a huge turning point. Leave it to the most adorable elderly sisters with strong Irish accents to leave you feeling like you just got hit in the brain with a shovel. We talked about discerning the will of God, paying special attention to the reflections of St. Ignatius.

First, the TRUE and foremost vocation for all of us is a call to holiness. Secondly, God's will is in alignment with our deepest desires because He planted those seeds Himself. Finding your vocation means first separating your deepest desires from the means by which we obtain them. For example, when I was young I thought it was my deepest desire to have a bike and a puppy. Actually, my deepest desires were for the freedom and independence that could be accomplished by the material means of riding a bike around the neighborhood and the companionship that could be materialized by means of a puppy. On retreat I learned that three of my deepest desires are having a faith community, having the opportunity to learn more about my faith daily, and growing in love for Christ. Those deepest desires could be achieved by religious life, but they could be achieved in married or single life as well. A vocation is just the best road to take that will get you where you need to be. The other roads may get there, too, but there is always a best one. The first step in discerning God's desire for our lives is discovering our own deepest desires that He planted within us. What keeps us from realizing our desires? Fear, but fear is useless. A friend once told me, "I am scared that God might be calling me to become a nun." I told her that if by "scared" she meant "anxious because she doesn't feel worthy or ready", then God is probably laughing with her. "God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called." But if she was genuinely scared and not at peace about it, then He probably wasn't calling her anyway.

How do we know when God's will aligns with our deepest desires? I recently found myself in prayer about someone who has been on my heart for years and we finally got the chance to develop a friendship. I was constantly wondering if it was pleasing to God, and constantly asking Him to take the opportunity away if it wasn't something that would lead both of us to closer to Him. I began writing a list of all the qualities that this person was bringing into my life. Love, joy, peace, patience, etc. I set the list aside that night and went to sleep. The next day, I was at a Bible study and had overheard a comment about Galatians 5. Hmm... Galatians 5, I thought, I wonder what she is talking about. I went home and looked it up. Galatians 5:22: The fruits of the Spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. The very list of fruits of the Spirit was God's version of the list I had just made the night before. That's how we can know anything in our life is of God. If it brings us peace, increases our faith and love for Him, and makes us a holier person then it is His will for us.